PERSONAL EVALUATION

Human and Affective Maturity. I value friendships very much. I can say that a significant portion of my time and life was spent in building and strengthening friendships. As much as possible, I open and share my feelings and moments of desolation to persons I trust. (Considering that I am a judgmental and “impressionistic” person, I chose the persons sometimes based from first and baseless impressions wherein I believe hindered me from having meaningful relationships with some people in the community.)

I emphasized on relationships to the detriment also of so many things. There were a number of times when I had to compromise certain “priorities” just to be with somebody. [I even wasted time with the laundry women, seminary workers, and I do not regret that I did it!]

When I read the word “authority”, I first asked myself what is this “authority” that holds and governs my life? Because on the first place [I maybe wrong] I never considered the formators as “authorities”— meaning persons who wield power and determine my life for me. I always considered them as co-formators who discern with me my vocation. Similarly, I see structures and rules, not as absolutes, but relative to their effectiveness and value to the seminarian’s formation to the priesthood. With this in mind, I can be open and share to my Spiritual Director, Prefect of Discipline and/or Rector in a similar fashion [as long as I see them capable of helping me grow]. I can also disregard structures or rules that I deemed are not helping me. (But as I see it all the structures and rules, which were in place, are all geared towards our formation, I may not see their value at the moment but in the near future maybe.)

What I love in the structure and formation offered at San Jose is basically the fact that I can be who I am and after that giving me the opportunities to form myself to who I can and should be. It is not a perfect formation program but it is very much rooted on the vision of forming good and holy persons, Christians and ultimately priests.I can say that I was not able to exhaust and fully cooperate to the formation offered to me by the seminary [especially in academics, wherein in the early years of my stay, and even until now shades of it can be observed that I took it for granted.]

Spiritual Life and Religious Practice. I have special devotions to Mama Mary and the Sacred Heart. I always bring “my all” to prayer. I try my best to have a time for silence for my daily examination of consciousness. I have not been faithful to the Liturgy of the Hours and for the past months I have not been seeing my spiritual director [although I have a confessor wherein I share my difficulties]. I consciously wanted to be a role model of prayer to people in the process it was I who benefited much from that decision. That decision brought me really to prayer and closer relationship to God.

Chastity and Priestly Celibacy. I can say that I view my relationships with both sexes as opportunities to grow in my life as an ordained person. The main problem that I foresee is maintaining a balance between being intimate without “falling exclusively for” someone. As my peers have affirmed, I have a tendency to show special care and attention to persons I love and like to the detriment of my other relationships. This special care can easily be misinterpreted and construed by others as baiting for an exclusive romantic relationship; I find it hard explaining that I desire deep and intimate relationship without being romantically and sexually involved.

Pastoral/Ministerial Aptitudes and Skills. In the past, every time I was elected, chosen or preferred to as a leader in a group, my initial reaction was to beg off because I always look at the responsibilities attached to the position. There was also this feeling of insecurity whether or not I can perform well. Another thing is, knowing that I am a “6” and I am rigid to myself, I am afraid that I will impose this rigidity to others placed under my care.

Awareness of these ‘defects’ in me helped me grow. I know that desire and apostolic zeal are not enough for me to be a good leader these must be coupled with planning and concrete actions [in these aspects I affirm I need to grow more].

Concerning my lifestyle, I need to develop a more structured schedule of my daily activities. In this connection, I was, in recent past, made a list of all the things that I should do as a priest [e.g. house visitations, adult and children catechesis, ministry to the sick, the aged, the orphaned, community building, updating and reading books pertaining to the enhancement of my ministry, personal recollections and retreats, etc.].

At this time, I can say that I am still full of idealism and I always pray that cynicism and failures will not replace this idealism. Whenever I preside during liturgical celebrations I make it sure that I dispose myself to perform them well and with passion. I desire that all the liturgies must truly be a true and meaningful encounter of the faithful with God.

Vocational Clarity and Motivation. I After much prayer and discernment, I believe that the ordained ministry is the life God wanted for me. I also believe that in this kind of life I can truly be fruitful and faithful as I live out my Christian life. When I was ordained a deacon, I personally vowed to a life of poverty, obedience, and celibacy [Evangelical Counsels], and everyday these I ask through the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus. I may not be the best and most able person to be chosen as His ‘sacrament’, I pray and strive in hope that I can be His instrument in spite of my weaknesses. I want to end this personal evaluation with a quote from the poem written by Archbishop Oscar Romero, which I think captures and reminds me of my role. “We may never see the end results, but this is the difference between the master builder and the worker.We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs.We are prophets of a future not our own.”

“I Am An Earthen Vessel”

These were just some of the texts messages I received from my friends after I informed them of my appointment as the new acting Rector of the Our Lady of Peñafrancia Seminary – Minor Department.

Yo! And from now on, you carry the burden of the Church on your shoulders… Forward son of San Jose!

I’m happy for you. God bless you sano. Let God make use of you to form our young people! Go sano.

Very good. Nakita na an gift of formation mo. Pirmi ka kasabay sa prayers ko. Payta men, naniniwala kami sa kakayahan mo.

Hurrah! Sige Migs. I’m happy for you. Rest assured of my special intentions for you. Best wishes!

Wow! Bigatin… ka-level si Huang at Tagle… Be always grounded as you form the young men in your care…

No probs igso. Buhe!

Congrats, best wishes and prayers on your new ministry! You’ll be great, I’m sure, as you blend kindness and firmness, as you try to be a father to the young men in your care. Please let me know how we can be of help and support. God bless! In opus ministerii! AMDG!

May you find strength and inspiration in the loving ways of the Lord.

Just as I received varied text messages, I had mixed feelings too. But the most dominant feeling was that of anxiety. I knew I had to bring this “event” to prayer and the prayer of Thomas Merton consoled me. I repeatedly prayed these words:

“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does, in fact, please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore, I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone. Amen”

After much discernment, I decided to accept the appointment. My primary motivation for the acceptance of the appointment was just to follow God’s will. With fingers-crossed, I think the Board of Consultors considered conscientiously whom to recommend to the Bishop; and I hope the Bishop reflected upon the recommendation and acted confidently enough to risk on me.

Imperfect though I am, I believe that I was commissioned to a ministry – ministry of forming young people become leaders of the church of the future. Though I may sound so pious, my job description is, first of all, to become a pastor. I am a priest-pastor before I am an administrator, and/or a Prefect-of-Discipline. And as I prayed, I desire to follow always God’s will whatever the cost.

As far as I know myself, one of the things I have to watch out for is my tendency of having what I call “ministry of the minimum” – just performing the requirements which I consider bordering to irresponsibility. Hopefully, all of you will help me outgrow this. One of the best pieces of advice I got was from a fellow formator. “Just be yourself” – these are his very words when I asked him how to be a good formator. And I intend to be just myself, and try to avoid pretenses for I cannot deny that I am an earthen vessel.

These are my guiding principles as I assume the rectorship. First, best intentions are not enough. Best intentions will mean nothing unless coupled with good, right and decisive actions. Bear this in mind, if there comes a time when I will be rigid and strict on implementing the rules and regulations, know that it is because I am rigid and strict on following them myself. I wish to lead by example. Second, best intentions conveyed poorly can make a very big difference. I may have the best of intentions but if the manner of expressing them border to “foul” ways then I will be ineffective.

I know also that I am not alone. We are all formators here. We are a team and so we should work as a team. Even in times when my performance will not be at par with your expectations and your actions may not be at par to mine, we do not cease to be partners. And so we should not stop on listening to each other.

Lastly, I must always remember that what I am doing is God’s work. May the Holy Spirit be my lead nunc et semper.